The Special Hell

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 23:18:43 GMT

To a man with a hammer, the only way to solve a problem is to view it in terms of a nail.

Or you can just throw it up in the air, sigh to yourself, and gripe about it while lying in a corner.

Either way.

I was struck today by a very big wave of depression. For a solid 10-15 minutes, and still ongoing albeit to a lesser extent, I just gave up.

I was willing to throw the Mage game, my dealings with Sci-Fi, my campaigning for DSU, my plan to go to Mike's party tonight, everything.

I'm not sure what caused it, or if I can realistically attribute it to any single cause. Maybe it's just the nature of who I am to fall into these cycles of ups and downs. Maybe it's my inability to deal with juggling school and work over the long term. Maybe it's because I'm starved for any kind of real, positive attention. Maybe it's because I'm tired that, even after all these years and what I believe to be sufficient proof to the contrary, I'm still labeled with the Angry Dave caricature of my personality. Maybe it's none of those, all of those, some of those, or some combination of some of those and some other things.

Christ, that's a lot of maybes.

Given all that, time to unload some baggage and see where that leaves me.

To Lisa:
I apologize for my part in involving you in that entire three way dance involving Jon and Sarah.

To Sarah:
The same. I've apologized to you before and put it here again.

To Jon:
If you feel betrayed, then I apologize for that. It was not my intention to reveal anything said in confidence and, if I did, you have my apology on that matter.

But here comes my countershot against you. If you feel that the only reason our friendship went sour was over the LARP, then I question how exactly you defined that friendship. While we were friends, I supported you, I spoke with you, I offered myself for advice and as a sounding board. I was your friend. Which made it that much more sickening and hurtful to be told by you that none of it meant a damn. That not a thing I'd helped you with or supported you in was acknowledged, appreciated, or wanted.

So while I may have done you wrong, I was not alone in error in this matter.

And as far as your phone call this week goes, until you mentioned game I mistook you for Alex Somma, a DSU employee that I've butted heads with of late. Under that assumption, I mistook your demand to speak with only Tony or Christina as a slight against my executive position in the club.

At this point, my desire to keep writing has failed. I may add on more, or this may be the end of it. Either way, I've said my piece for now.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 23:33:31 GMT

"The window of opportunity for having a normal life is closing very quickly for you."

Normal life? Normal life? You completely asstarded fuckwit, you have the guts to say that unless I do things your way my life isn't normal? That because I want as little to do as possible with a "family" that has gone out of it's way to marginalize and ignore me as possible that my life isn't "normal"? That because I don't speak to your wife because she represents the epitome of a million things that I consider wrong or stupid, I'm the screwed up one?

You allege that since I want nothing to do with your wife, my sister, or you that that means I'm damned to be alone forever? Do you really have that high a blasted opinion of yourself that my friends mean nothing in the greater scheme of things?

You have the audacity to claim I'm without compassion, a sense of friendship, a sense of caring, and the capacity to feel for others JUST BECAUSE I WITHHOLD IT FROM YOU??? That any of the above that I've shown to and been shown by my friends means nothing because you weren't involved in it and didn't see it?

And then you have the stones to claim that I've got my head in the sand and my ass in the air because I don't see things your way? You ignorant and hypocritical bastard, you're as guilty if not moreso of the same crime.

"Almost everyone your age is thinking about their long term plans, about getting a girlfriend, about university, about all the more important things."

And I don't? Are you so oblivious that you honestly believe that these problems don't weigh on my mind? That just because I don't speak to you and ask for your advice and/or opinions that they've never crossed my mind?

I think I recently heard a wonderful quote about this entire goddamn situation.

"How can anyone be their own man living someone elses' dream?" - Terry McGinnis

Voice posting

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 10:12:43 GMT

http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/LJ.mp3

Right click and save as. Should be interesting. Perhaps more of these to come.

No Surrender, No Retreat

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 05:29:32 GMT

"What a bunch of mealy-mouthed self-indulgent crap! Take responsibility for your actions, for crying out loud. You go in there and you fight for what matters to you, don't just walk away because it's easier."

I have friends and responsibilities. I can't run from either and I damn well shouldn't and I'm tired of trying.

"You know, with all this, I just hope you found what you were looking for out there."
"I don't know. I guess I found what I .. what I needed, not what I wanted."
"Which was?"
"Short sharp kick to the head."
"Oh hell, I could've done that for you, all you had to do was ask."
"Well, you would've enjoyed it too much."
"So, you didn't .. meet yourself?"
"Yeah, I did. Found out I didn't like myself either."
"Well, as revelation go, I guess I have heard worse."

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 06:57:39 GMT

I know you. You were too short. You had bad skin. You couldn't talk to them very well. Words didn't seem to work. They lied when they came out of your mouth. You tried so hard to understand them. You wanted to be part of what was happening. You saw them having fun, and it seemed like such a mystery--almost magic. It made you think that there was something wrong with you. You'd look in the mirror trying to find it. You thought that you were ugly and that everyone was looking at you. So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation. The hours, days, weekends.

Ahh, the weekend nights alone. Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job, just to have something to do, just to have some place to put yourself, just to have a way to get away from THEM. A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill-at-ease inside yourself.

Do you ever get invited to one of their parties? You sat and wondered if you would go or not. For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire. They would laugh at you. If you would know what to do. If you would have the right things on. If they would notice that you came from a different planet. Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it, and have a great time. Did you think that you might be "the life of the party"? That all these people were going to talk to you and you would find out that you were wrong. That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so strange after all. Did you end up going? Did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out that you were invited, because they thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you.

You spent a lot of time full of hate. A hate that was as pure as sunshine. A hate that saw for miles. A hate that kept you up at night. A hate that filled your every waking moment. A hate that carried you for a long time. Yes, I think I know you. You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived. Home was not home! Your room was home. A corner was home. The place THEY weren't, that was home.

I know you. You're sensitive, and you hide it because you fear getting stepped on one more time. It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you. One of them steps on you. They mistake kindness for weakness, but you know the difference. You've been the brunt of their weakness for years and strength is something you know a bit about because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive.

You know yourself very well now and you don't trust people, you know them too well. You try to find that special person, someone you can be with, someone you can touch, someone you can talk to, someone you won't feel so strange around. And you found that they don't really exist. You feel closer to people on movie screens.

Yeah, I think I know you.

You spend a lot of time day dreaming and people have made comment to that effect telling you that you are self involved and self centered. But they don't know, do they. About the long night shifts alone. About the years of keeping yourself company. All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you. The hours of indecision. Self doubt. The intense depression. The blinding hate. The rage that made you stagger. The devastation of rejection.

Well, maybe they do know. But if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it. It astounds you how they can be so smooth. How they seem to pass through life, as if life itself was some divine gift. And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up.

For you, life is a long trip. Terrifying and wonderful. Birds sing to you at night. The rain and the sun, the changing seasons are true friends. Solitude is a hard-won ally--faithful and patient.

Yeah, I think I know you.

--Henry Rollins, the Boxed Life

On Tony's behalf...

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 14:33:56 GMT

For some reason, he's not able to post in his LJ. He managed to leave a comment on mine that is in regards to more people than myself, so I'm taking the liberty of copy/pasting it to my LJ as it's own entry so people can read it and not overlook it by not checking comments.

Tony, if you want me to remove this entry, just tell me and it's gone.

"To Dave, a heartfelt 'thanks'.
To my werewolf crew, i don't know when i'll be able to get there, and if the bother of not running a session is starting to nag, please tell me, so i can respectfully stop and you can find someone who can game with you instead. I don't mean that to sound in a bad way, just i know you guys want to continue, hell, Iggy can go off on his own to recalim his honor and maybe come back, but right now, that's beside the point.

I want to thank Dave for giving that breif chat, and was sorry i wasn't able to talk with him later as i promised i would, but my 'father' was on the computer.
I'm feeling somewhat better, Steph and I had a huge talk, and I managed to laugh at a few things with my brother.

To the Guy's i am planning to move in with (deathlurks, cynicalyorik, nice_guy_27, i'm pointing at you) is it cool that i change it to later august? i'll give you an exact date (my boss at work offered me a transfer to the central Reno in Montreal, yay, no job hunting.) Once i find out what time that is, i'll give exact dates for sure, but it's sometime in august. I need to know if someone with a car might be willing to help me move, i'll pay the gas, but i need like a mini-van type, i don't relish the idea of having to depend on my parents for that one last thing.

Also, To the friends and people who were there for me and offered their support and insight to this, Thanks a million, means the world, it really does.
I don't know what kind of gaming i'll be able to continue with over the summer, but i'll give it my best shot, it might end up that i'll Die over the summer only to emerge August, and if that happens, i'm sorry to all it affects and hopefully, i can fix it but i don't like the idea of having to have an argument with my dad again everytime i go out. that's my only reason.

So, with that as a closing statment. Take care all of you, check by everynow and again, and hopefully, i'll see you one day soon. *smile and wave*
See ya later.

-Anthony

P.S if anyone can answer the above questions, please send me an E-mail at

A_Pereira@canada.com

thanks a billion."

Musings.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 18:15:42 GMT

I hate summers.

I hate summers for a multitude of reasons. First off, it's too damn warm. This is not helped by the fact that my skin burns very quickly and easily under sunlight. Also, my nocturnal habits and geek nature force my skin to maintain a healthy paleness.

Second, summer usually means isolation. Outside of gaming, I rarely do stuff with people. Mostly my own fault, but what the hey. Working on that since I can abuse free movie priviledges at work and haul along people.

There is no third.

I need to move out, but lack appropriate fundage. Will be asking for a larger number of hours at work today. If I can nail down 30/week, I can look into moving out sometime in the relative future.

I've been kinda down recently, owing to this thread.

There's a good number of people on those boards about my age who are doing completely fucking awesome with their lives. Bitching job and/or doing awesome in school, already moved out, and so on. Hell, a couple are already looking into house buying and one of them is only 20.

I'm almost fucking 20. Yet I'm still in this damnable basement, working for minimum wage at a movie theater, with no career aspirations of any substancial sort and no real plans for the future.

I'm out of school for another 6 months, and even barring that I'm not sure what I want to do -with- schooling.

I dunno, I just feel like someone scooped all my shit together into a ballon and let it float off followed by them shooting it with a Sidewinder missile. End result? It's scattered all over the place.

I really wish I knew what to do, how to do it, and had the will to do it.

I hate mirrors.

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 04:04:20 GMT

I ducked into the bathroom at Paramount today and caught a sight of myself in the Paramount uniform.

With that stupid hat and the way my hair is right now, coupled with having not shaved for a few days, I looked like Michael Moore.

Good christ, I need to shave and get a haircut. STAT!

James! or Jon!

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:10:11 GMT

(Gondor)
2x Aragorn, Captain of Gondor
3x Gondorian Sword
3x Gondor Bow
1x Ingold
1x Citadel of the Stars
2x Knight's Mount
1x Fourth Level

(Isengard)
3x Down to the Last Child
2x Uruk Beseiger
2x Uruk-Hai Band
1x Burning of Westfold
3x Attack on Helm's Deep
1x Pillage of Rohan
2x Uruk-Hai Marauder
2x Uruk-Hai Horde
1x Broad-Bladed Sword
1x Saruman's Ambition
3x Uruk Veteran

(Dwarven)
1x Gimli's Helm
1x Defending the Keep
1x Dark Ways
1x Loyalty Unshaken

(Sauron)
1x Orc Insurgent

(Moria)
1x Cave Troll of Moria, Scourge of the Black Pit

(Elven)
1x Agility
1x Valor
1x Arwen, Fair Elf Maiden
1x Shadow Between
2x Elven Sword
1x Legolas, Greenleaf
1x Elrond, Herald to Gil-Galad

Quiz

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 20:54:31 GMT

Name four bad habits you have:

1] Procrastination
2] Being lazy.
3] Being annoying.
4] Being a slob.

Name 4 things you wish you had

1] Mira in my arms.
2] My own place, because I need to get out of here.
3] A job doing something I like rather than doing something that's easy.
4] More money.

Name four scents you love:

1] Barbequed meats.
2] Fresh cards out of packs.
3] Coke.
4] Hamburgers.

Name four things you'd never wear:

1] Anything that's pink, especially hot pink.
2] Thongs.
3] Transparent clothes.
4] The skin of my enemies.

Name four things you are thinking about right now:
1] Mira.
2] LoTR decks.
3] This quiz.
4] Werewolf on Tuesday.

Name four things that you have done today:

1] Ate lunch.
2] Kicked ass at LoTR.
3] Surfed the net.
4] Got wet walking home.

Name the last four things you have bought:
1] LoTR Reflections packs.
2] Dark Ages: Fae
3] 7 inch pepperoni sub.
4] A kernatzel.

Name four drinks you regularly drink:
1] Coke.
2] Mountain Dew.
3] Pepsi.
4] Water.

Random facts about yourself:
1] I love Miranda.
2] I'm a geek.
3] I don't have enough posters.
4] I miss Mira.

Voices.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 05:22:23 GMT

If it's a bad thing that just hearing Mira's voice makes me feel special and loved, and her hearing mine makes her feel the same, then I sure as hell never want to be good.

Updated!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 22:44:32 GMT

First off, I must proclaim my undying thanks to both MSN Messenger and Skype. Between these two programs, keeping in touch with Mira is made stupidly easy. Plus the added bonus of not paying through the nose for long distance charges.

Speaking of Mira, the majority of you already know. She's a great person. Spending time with her, albeit just over the Internet, is incredibly awesome. I really think that either I've been hit with a major dose of karma built up over some insanely long time, or something like that. Either way.

She's very intelligent. Almost, dare I say it, rivaling myself (Ego in progress, please hold.). Great sense of humor, wonderful singing voice. Best of all, she's a geek. She turned down talking with me because she was in the middle of watching DS9, which I couldn't help but laugh at. It's scary how compatible we are.

Work at Paramount so far as been alright, but I'm only speaking from the experience of one real shift and two training shifts. I suppose the iron test will be how I survive the Potter rush this weekend. I get my schedule for the next week tommorow, let's see how brutal it is.

Warcraft: Magic and Mayhem and Dark Ages: Fae are both slated to come out the 7th of June. Quantum won't get them in until the 8th though, but damned if I won't be rushing there to wait for them. Unless I'm working, I'll probably hang there all day.

From the threads on the White Wolf boards, it seems that DA: Fae is incredibly awesome. I hope so. If the info they've posted is accurate, holy crap it's going to be a badass game.

Went to Quantum today in the hopes of catching James/Sarah, but they didn't show. Ah well, gives me time to fine tune some decks and kick ass with them.

Not that much else. Updates will happen when they always happen, when something worthwhile happens.

Inching ever closer to Summer 2k6...

Alright...

Mon, 31 May 2004 04:02:03 GMT

I've grown tired of random anonymous posters on my LJ who don't leave a single clue as to their identity.

So, from now on, only people with registered accounts can post on my LJ. It's free and easy to get an account, so if you want to comment then you can. If you don't want to register, either don't comment or tell me what you have to say in person.

That is all.

Two years....

Sun, 30 May 2004 05:12:12 GMT

I don't care what it takes, or how much I need to keep myself going until then, but it damn well will happen.

It's going to be a blasted nightmare waiting that long, but it will all be worth it at the end. More than worth it.

Quizzed!

Fri, 28 May 2004 17:46:40 GMT

D	Dysfunctional
A	Appealing
V	Virile
I	Inspirational
D	Dirty

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Also, note for James.

Find a day to get your ass to Quantum so I can school you in LoTR.

Interesting times.

Fri, 28 May 2004 16:16:21 GMT

I don't know what gods I pleased over the past 6 weeks, but I plan to find out and build a shrine to each and every last one of them.

Updated room pics, since I got bored.

Fri, 28 May 2004 01:52:54 GMT

http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/1.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/2.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/3.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/4.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/5.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/davmeister84/6.jpg

And another quiz.

Wed, 26 May 2004 18:01:15 GMT

You are a Glasswalker. You are techno-savvy and a
born city dweller. You are very social and
classy, and probably not doing too bad
moneywise.

Which of the twelve werewolf tribes would you be in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz!

Sat, 22 May 2004 19:54:24 GMT

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Time for whiny and self-indulgent angst.

Mon, 17 May 2004 23:57:44 GMT

It's like my own personal kind of PMS. Once a month I get hung up on relationships and whine about it.

Well, time for another spin. Warning, if you don't approve of my whining and complaining and self-misery wallowing then leave. Post useful/constructive comments, but any comments bitching about me and how useless/whatever else I am will be deleted.

Anyway...

This past semester in Sci-Fi, there've been a bunch of things that happened. I actually struck out and tried to start up a couple of relationships. Obviously, none actually happened.

Three major relationships got started. James/Sarah, Tony/Steph, and Scourge/Chiara. Of those three, I played a major part in one and was gone to for advice in another.

And here we are at the end of the semester. Me by my lonesome. I could bitch that I deserve a relationship, blame everyone with the boobs about how they snub me for whatever reason, and generally pull an Ensign Fuckstick.

I won't though. I like to think I'm better than that.

However, I can objectively look at those three aforementioned guys and draw up some comparisons. In some areas I far outrank them. In others, they edge me out. Yes, even James sometimes.

The one category I lose out on in all three cases, as far as I can tell, is self-esteem/confidence. While those three have their doubts and problems, they like (or at least don't dislike) themselves.

Conversely, I loath myself. Well, that's a bit harsh. It's more like I live in a pool of self-misery. Some days I wallow in the shallow end, and others I practice high dives in the deep end.

And that's probably the key reason why I lose out on relationships. I could blame my size, but Scourge is pretty much equal to me in body size. I could blame looks, but I know that with the slightest bit of effort I look pretty damn good.

Hell, I've even had people who had no particular reason to compliment me on that little issue have done me that favor.

And I think that's the problem. I need to like myself to have other people like me. Goes double for someone to love me I suppose. Except there's nothing about myself I deem likeable. I'm not committed to any goal, not on the path to any glory.

Ah well, we'll see how the summer goes. Likely much the same as before.

Bah.

Sun, 16 May 2004 05:48:18 GMT

My dad returns on Monday.

Despite everything done this past week, it's all overshadowed by the thoughts of a summer long annoyance of him harassing me at every moment I am not working. Such brilliant questions will include:

"Why aren't you working?"
"Why don't you have more hours?"
"Why aren't you asking for more hours?"
"Why aren't you finding a better job?"

And on and on and on.

Moving out seems nicer and nicer, except that I lack a place to move out to. Or people to move out with. Contemplating a summer of doing nothing is also a big drag. I hate this damn house.

Mindless ramblings.

Sat, 15 May 2004 03:10:54 GMT

So I spent the better part of the day (read as the entire day) at Quantum today playtesting my LoTR deck and opening some packs.

Went moderately well, but I kept screwing it up. Gotta start thinking better/clearer if I want any hope of doing well at the PSQ this Sunday.

Had an interview at Paramount on Tuesday. Went well. I was the only one there in an actual interview getup, which kinda scared me for a bit. Got a callback yesterday and reached them today. Got the job, which pleases me greatly.

Gotta go in on Tuesday and give them some stuff. Photo ID, Medicare card info, the usual crap. Figure they'll give me a schedule then also, so starting to work and make money pleases me greatly.

My aunts are still in town, which pleases me greatly. They're a great bunch and lots of fun. Unfortunately, my dad returns on Monday which is 10 levels of suckage.

Really got nothing else to write about...

Quiz again.

Fri, 14 May 2004 15:32:45 GMT

You're Gunn!

Which Angel character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tomtherat!

Fri, 14 May 2004 04:08:02 GMT

I swear, this looks so much like Leckman that it scares me.

Romed!

Tue, 11 May 2004 04:30:33 GMT

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus - better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means "little boots". Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself - in much the same vein as your father-in-law - accusing him of being his wife's pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like "This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,"; dallied with your sister's lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.